Hi, folks — Iggy here! Like going to PetSmart, but hate having to walk all around a huge store? Do what I do — shriek like a stabbed banshee at everything that moves, and send every other dog in the store into a mad barking frenzy! Your human will become so desperate to stop you, she’ll put you in the cart so she can quickly wheel you around and shove you in the opposite direction every time one of you sees another dog.
Ta daaa — a cart ride!
I’m Iggy, and that’s my Hyper Schnauzer Tip of the Day.
“What? Just chatting with the ladies. And don’t you all look fine today.”
Iggy, you’re fixed.
“What does that mean?”
Well… how do I put this —
“No matter. We can discuss it later. So, ladies, you know what they say about dogs with big ears–”
Oh, Christ. DOWN, boy.
“Hi. I love you a lot.”
Aww, I love you too, Iggy!
“And I love Brian a lot.”
Well, Brian loves you a lot too.
“Did you meet the new next-door neighbors yet?”
“I love them a lot.”
“And the guy that delivered the pizza on Friday night. I love him a lot.”
Yes, Iggy, I get it —
“And the UPS guy that stops here sometimes, I love him a lot, and there was this kid outside before, I saw him through the window, I love him a lot, and that woman that time at the dog park who filled the water bowl, I love her a lot, and there’s this other guy I heard of once…”
I feel special now.
I’m attending the Bear on the Square music festival in the small mountain town of Dahlonega, Georgia. Since I’m an idiot, I waited until last week to rent lodging, and had to settle for something that, while not too far from the town, is still pretty isolated. I thought I would enjoy a nice, quiet getaway, but now that I’m here, it’s a little too quiet. I mean I can’t hear a freakin’ sound. It’s like the tank in Altered States, but with bugs.
So of course, as a woman alone in the woods, my thoughts run to slasher movies. And now as nice as this little place is, I’m regretting renting a place where, should it come to that, it would take months to find my body.
And look what I just found in the kitchen:
I kid you not.
This is not helpful.
I’ll be right here waiting for you until you come home.
Or until I get bored with licking the window and decide to chase a cat and bark at the top of my lungs at him until he plays with me or lets me lick his entire head or something. Although those sofa cushions look kind of tasty, so I might just nibble on one of those for a while.
But I’ll be here, is my point.
Iggy, you’re awfully calm. Mind if I take your picture?
That’s perfect! What an adorable expression! Hold it for just a second long–
“CAN I SHOVE MY NOSE IN THE LENS?! YAY! Oh, look, a cat! I’m gonna go lick his back! No, it’s okay, he’ll like it this time! HEY CAT, LEMME LICK YOUR BACK!!”
It’s going well with him.