Life, and how to live it.

Hi, folks — Iggy here! Like going to PetSmart, but hate having to walk all around a huge store? Do what I do — shriek like a stabbed banshee at everything that moves, and send every other dog in the store into a mad barking frenzy! Your human will become so desperate to stop you, she’ll put you in the cart so she can quickly wheel you around and shove you in the opposite direction every time one of you sees another dog.

Ta daaa — a cart ride!

I’m Iggy, and that’s my Hyper Schnauzer Tip of the Day.

All this can be yours.

“Hello, ladies.”
Stop that.
“What? Just chatting with the ladies. And don’t you all look fine today.”
Iggy, you’re fixed.
“What does that mean?”
Well… how do I put this —
“No matter. We can discuss it later. So, ladies, you know what they say about dogs with big ears–”
Oh, Christ. DOWN, boy.

The fidelity of dogs.

“Hi. I love you a lot.”

Aww, I love you too, Iggy!

“And I love Brian a lot.”

Well, Brian loves you a lot too.

“Did you meet the new next-door neighbors yet?”

I did.

“I love them a lot.”

Okay —

“And the guy that delivered the pizza on Friday night. I love him a lot.”

Yes, Iggy, I get it —

“And the UPS guy that stops here sometimes, I love him a lot, and there was this kid outside before, I saw him through the window, I love him a lot, and that woman that time at the dog park who filled the water bowl, I love her a lot, and there’s this other guy I heard of once…”

I feel special now.

The Bear and the Maiden Fair. Or something.

I’m attending the Bear on the Square music festival in the small mountain town of Dahlonega, Georgia. Since I’m an idiot, I waited until last week to rent lodging, and had to settle for something that, while not too far from the town, is still pretty isolated. I thought I would enjoy a nice, quiet getaway, but now that I’m here, it’s a little too quiet. I mean I can’t hear a freakin’ sound. It’s like the tank in Altered States, but with bugs.

So of course, as a woman alone in the woods, my thoughts run to slasher movies. And now as nice as this little place is, I’m regretting renting a place where, should it come to that, it would take months to find my body.

And look what I just found in the kitchen:

I kid you not.

This is not helpful.

Good one, dude.

Good boy.

I’ll be right here waiting for you until you come home.

Or until I get bored with licking the window and decide to chase a cat and bark at the top of my lungs at him until he plays with me or lets me lick his entire head or something. Although those sofa cushions look kind of tasty, so I might just nibble on one of those for a while.

But I’ll be here, is my point.

Well, at least he’s happy.

Iggy, you’re awfully calm. Mind if I take your picture?

“Okay.”

That’s perfect! What an adorable expression! Hold it for just a second long–

“CAN I SHOVE MY NOSE IN THE LENS?! YAY! Oh, look, a cat! I’m gonna go lick his back! No, it’s okay, he’ll like it this time! HEY CAT, LEMME LICK YOUR BACK!!”

It’s going well with him.

One of these days I’ll look up what a magi is.

My husband got me a stand for my banjo.

Trouble is, I sold my banjo to get him this:

I thought he’d like it, but instead he broke down crying. Then he confessed that he sold his ass to get me the banjo stand.

Upon realizing the irony, we both laughed. Then I got him the ointment out of the medicine cabinet. He went to bed early, and as long as he sleeps on his stomach he should be okay.

So… um… yeah. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Area Woman Pleased With Result of “Which Game Of Thrones Character Are You” Quiz.

“I think I’ve known all along. The first time I saw Arya Stark I felt an immediate kinship with her,” said the childless, multiple-cat-owning, middle-aged Executive Assistant. “But still, I’m glad Buzzfeed could confirm it.” She then got into her four-door Honda Civic sedan and left the office 10 minutes early to beat the traffic back to her exurban subdivision. “Don’t tell my boss,” she pleaded.

My homage to The Onion. Yes, I’ve decided that “homage” is French for “ripoff.”

Ho. Ho? HO.

Watching The Year Without A Santa Claus. Everyone’s so wrapped up in Heat Miser and Snow Miser, nobody mentions how the elves found themselves on a one-way street, getting ticketed for riding a Vixen the wrong way.