The Bear and the Maiden Fair. Or something.

I’m attending the Bear on the Square music festival in the small mountain town of Dahlonega, Georgia. Since I’m an idiot, I waited until last week to rent lodging, and had to settle for something that, while not too far from the town, is still pretty isolated. I thought I would enjoy a nice, quiet getaway, but now that I’m here, it’s a little too quiet. I mean I can’t hear a freakin’ sound. It’s like the tank in Altered States, but with bugs.

So of course, as a woman alone in the woods, my thoughts run to slasher movies. And now as nice as this little place is, I’m regretting renting a place where, should it come to that, it would take months to find my body.

And look what I just found in the kitchen:

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I kid you not.

This is not helpful.

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Area Woman Pleased With Result of “Which Game Of Thrones Character Are You” Quiz.

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“I think I’ve known all along. The first time I saw Arya Stark I felt an immediate kinship with her,” said the childless, multiple-cat-owning, middle-aged Executive Assistant. “But still, I’m glad Buzzfeed could confirm it.” She then got into her four-door Honda Civic sedan and left the office 10 minutes early to beat the traffic back to her exurban subdivision. “Don’t tell my boss,” she pleaded.

My homage to The Onion. Yes, I’ve decided that “homage” is French for “ripoff.”

Red Wedding musician for hire.

If you’re like me, you’ve seen last Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones, “The Rains of Castamere.” And you know that at the end, after Catelyn falls out of the frame, the credits run with no closing music.

Well, here’s how to rectify that little oversight: bust out your ukulele and, during the credits, softly strum “Tonight You Belong To Me.” With only a minor tempo adjustment, the timing is perfect.

Bear in mind that if you do the version performed by Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters in The Jerk, you’ll have to omit the last instrumental verse with the trumpet. Since I wasn’t singing, I was able to make up for the omission by doing the mouth trumpet thing during the third verse. You could also use a kazoo.

You’re welcome.