Fixin’ to die.

Heading to Black 13 this weekend to finish a tattoo that was started in April (yes, another one. I know. I’m done after this, I sort of promise except I have my fingers crossed so don’t hold me to it).

Black 13 is located in Nashville, Tennessee, a/k/a “Music City.” Musician that I am, I booked a hotel near Music Row, the center of the country music industry. I’m bringing my guitar, and I’m going to set up on the sidewalk and perform a song I’ve written specifically for the city of Nashville and the state of Tennessee.

It’s called “Fuck Your Truck.”

What could possibly go wrong?

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Plummeting property values? Try Meme Generator!

Making up funny captions for a Captain Picard picture won’t bring the value of my property back up, but it’s a nice distraction from the clucking.

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To be fair, though, I realize that if you want to raise chickens on your property, there aren’t a whole lot of options available to you in the largely rural county where most of the land is zoned agricultural and there’s a ton of cheap real estate for sale within five minutes of here.

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Red Wedding musician for hire.

If you’re like me, you’ve seen last Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones, “The Rains of Castamere.” And you know that at the end, after Catelyn falls out of the frame, the credits run with no closing music.

Well, here’s how to rectify that little oversight: bust out your ukulele and, during the credits, softly strum “Tonight You Belong To Me.” With only a minor tempo adjustment, the timing is perfect.

Bear in mind that if you do the version performed by Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters in The Jerk, you’ll have to omit the last instrumental verse with the trumpet. Since I wasn’t singing, I was able to make up for the omission by doing the mouth trumpet thing during the third verse. You could also use a kazoo.

You’re welcome.

I hate to interrupt you when you’re on the phone, but…

Hey, you. You, driving in front of me. Hello? Ah, whoops, didn’t realize you were on the phone. Sorry about that. Please, continue driving 15 miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane. And sometimes partially in the left lane and partially in the center lane. That’s fine.

Asshole.

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