Thoughts on 9/11

From the depths of my patriotic soul, I say this to you now:

Christ, is there ANYONE in this country who can sing the national anthem? I don’t mean “KISS MY ASS MARIAH CAREY” vocal pyrotechnics like Mariah Carey shot your dog and fuck her now because from here on your sole purpose in life is to show up that dog-shooting bitch everywhere you go. I mean is there anyone in this country who can just SING THE DAMNED SONG?! If you’re not already a professional singer, kicking off a goddamned Met game is not going to be your big break. You’re not gonna get to duet on the Grammys with Justin Beeberlake and D-Jism or whoever the fuck you consider an “icon” because of your “stirring rendition” of the national anthem in which you hit every note within the range of human hearing just on the word “brave,” okay?

JUST SING THE GODDAMN SONG AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Thank you.

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Plummeting property values? Try Meme Generator!

Making up funny captions for a Captain Picard picture won’t bring the value of my property back up, but it’s a nice distraction from the clucking.

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To be fair, though, I realize that if you want to raise chickens on your property, there aren’t a whole lot of options available to you in the largely rural county where most of the land is zoned agricultural and there’s a ton of cheap real estate for sale within five minutes of here.

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I hate to interrupt you when you’re on the phone, but…

Hey, you. You, driving in front of me. Hello? Ah, whoops, didn’t realize you were on the phone. Sorry about that. Please, continue driving 15 miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane. And sometimes partially in the left lane and partially in the center lane. That’s fine.

Asshole.

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