In the last episode of So Many Feebs (prior to the lovely Fresh Pressing – I greatly enjoyed being pressed and am feeling refreshingly flat now; I’m also feeling oddly liked, which only feeds the neediness, so I’d caution my new readers to be careful with that because I can be pretty poorly adjusted on my best day) –
Ah, whoops, let me reel that back in. Don’t worry, new readers, I’m not needy or poorly adjusted. I’m not! Please don’t leave!
Okay, that got weird. I’ll try it again.
In the last full (pre-Press) episode of So Many Feebs, I mentioned that I was going to Nashville to get my tattoo finished. That was the second time I wrote about my tattoos, and I didn’t give any thought to whether anyone reading might be considering ink of his/her own.
To rectify my rudeness, I’d like to talk to you about the most important thing you must consider when deciding on a tattoo: meaning. If you’ve seen LA Ink or any other tattoo reality shows, you know that tattoos must always express something deeply meaningful. My ink is no exception. For example, this is in honor of my late grandmother:
Why this particular tattoo? Because Grandma was a small primate from Borneo. I can still remember her sitting on the porch, lovingly secreting toxins from her armpits –
Okay, no. Look, if I wanted a tattoo that had deep meaning — that truly said who I really am — I’d get a tattoo on one forearm that says “FUCK ALL THESE BASTARDS.” On the other forearm, I’d get “WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE? THIS IS THE INTERSTATE, NOT YOUR FARM, YOU MORON! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO RUN OVER ANY OF DADDY’S FUCKING CHICKENS! SPEED UP, YOU SCHMUCK!” (Okay, maybe that one would be a full sleeve.)
Anyway. Depending on the situation, all I’d have to do is raise my arm, and ta-da! Instant self-expression! This is me, bitchez!
Of course, then I’d have to find room to tattoo all of the information I’ll need to provide at the police precinct and/or unemployment office. So never mind.
But hey, a girl can dream.
In conclusion, my advice to anyone thinking of getting a tattoo is this: stop watching reality shows.
Actually, that’s my advice to everyone else, too.