I hate to interrupt you when you’re on the phone, but…

Hey, you. You, driving in front of me. Hello? Ah, whoops, didn’t realize you were on the phone. Sorry about that. Please, continue driving 15 miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane. And sometimes partially in the left lane and partially in the center lane. That’s fine.


Here’s something I see an awful lot:

1. Someone on the phone almost causes an accident;
2. After much honking, the person on the phone realizes an accident almost happened; and
3. The person on the phone glares at the person he or she almost killed.

Guess how often I see this:

1. Someone on the phone almost causes an accident;
2. After much honking, the person on the phone realizes an accident almost happened; and
3. The person on the phone thinks, “hey, maybe talking on the phone is a distraction,” and hangs the fuck up.

The answer: literally never. And I don’t mean “literally” the way some people have decided to use it, as in “wow, like, seriously!” (That’s not what “literally” means, but that’s a rant for another day.) I mean “literally” as in “I am not exaggerating, what I have told you is true.”

Here’s a hint: just because you’ve never been in an accident while on the phone doesn’t mean you’re a good driver while on the phone. It means that the people around you saw you speeding up, slowing down, and veering all over the place, and have successfully avoided you. They’re the good drivers. You, on the other hand, drive like Ray Charles on a smack bender.



Not everyone talks on the phone while driving. For those of you who drive like shit without the aid of modern technology:

You know those signs that say “Slower Traffic Keep Right”? Well, that doesn’t mean “Slower Traffic Than You.” You might be the slower traffic. I know, mind-blowing, right?

And for those of you who text and drive:

Fuck you.


7 thoughts on “I hate to interrupt you when you’re on the phone, but…

  1. I was driving a Pontiac Grand Am and was T-Boned in the driver’s side door by a guy driving a Yukon Denali XL. We was going at least 65 mph when he hit me. When the police arrived and asked what happened, he told them “I was talking on my cell phone and didn’t see the red light. I don’t understand what the big deal is, it’s not like anybody died.” Needless to say, his insurance company was quite helpful in resolving the accident once they saw the police report. All states should have a law against driving while talking on the phone.

    • Studies have shown that people talking on the phone while driving are just as impaired as drunks — so why is there all this anger against drunk drivers but hardly any against people who talk on the phone? If anything, there should be more anger.

      I mean, don’t condone driving drunk, and yeah, throw the book at them — but bear in mind that they were drunk when they did it. A lot of bad things seem like good ideas when you’re drunk (hell, that would explain a couple of my ex-boyfriends).

      Someone who’s driving along and decides to pick up the phone, on the other hand, is perfectly lucid when he decides to become a danger to himself and everyone around him.

      So whatever penalties there are for driving drunk, double them for people who use the phone, text, etc.

      (And wow, you were dealing with an extra-special idiot. I’m glad you’re okay.)

  2. I don’t drive, or have a phone but I do walk. (Legs came with my birth). The other day, a cyclist doing a race in a neighborhood area came around the corner as i was almost across the street. He screams at me as though I’m the environmentally-incorrect one. He could have stopped or applied his brakes as he careened towards me but actually did neither. As he passed me I heard him say “Jesus Christ!” as though I was a feeb. I shouted back “Fuck you asshole.” THEN he applies his brakes, gets off the bike and says “I beg your pardon?” So I say, “Oh thank god, your brakes DO work. I was worried about you killing yourself.” The point here: If you are doing things while in or on a projectile, please have a back-up plan.

  3. You know for the longest time I actually believed I was the only one on the planet who thought the way I do. Then I decided to blog, and read blogs and have found to my utter delight that there are a bazillion people like me out there and lots of them write. Thank you Jesus, Hiram, God whoever is responsible for this I love the shit out of you. Yes, yes, and fucking yes. That’s right the F-bomb. Every day I see some assholes talking on the phone when they are driving. Driving is a full time job and responsibility. Driving is NOT a right but a privilege. People just cannot seem to get it straight. I actually heard a woman complain about getting a ticket for using her phone while she was driving. Five minutes after she was ticketed she got a call from her husband who said he had just been ticketed for the same thing. A nice couple, a couple of fuck ups that is. Grow up.

    • I’m approving your comment, but only because WordPress doesn’t offer the option to “approve the shit out of” a comment — otherwise I would have done that instead.

      And I hate that couple. Whoever they are, I hate them.

      I like you, though. And thank you for reading.

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